Conversation with an Atheist

This conversation took place sometime last year. Just felt like sharing. Beware... there are some cusswords.

Him:

Dueteronomy - 22:23-24 ... in plain english it states that it is gods law that if a woman is in a city and is raped, and she doesnt scream loud enough to be heard by someone, then it is their duty to stone her to death along with the person who raped her!!!!! how's your happy irrationality now? have some fucking courage and call bullshit , "bullshit"..!! and you love your god why ?? because he's loving and just ! because he forgives you for all the things you feel guilty about? because you "feel" happy ? the next time you go to church and have a smile on your face, think about the horrors that have been done to women from the past for the insanity of the bible that you believe in. if you join this cult you condone these actions. insane ? it is! irrational ? you are! happy ? how ? when happiness comes from being irrational, thats when true chaos insues.. give me a fuckin break ! you're smarter than this shit !

Me:


Wow, so I will look into that in get back to you. Why do i feel like i just got cussed out by my friend?

Him:


true friends tell the truth. true friends dont let friends jump off bridges or walk in front of cars. i was wrong about being happy that you're happy. i guess sometimes being cussed out and being told the truth can sometimes feel the same. you know as well as i do that there are things in the bible that you cant square up as good or rational no matter how you spin it. you cant believe this stuff and call yourself a good person. you cant say " it was god and he can do what he wants ". maybe you're right and there is a god but it aint the one you worship and if it is , he is not worthy of you. when my standards are higher than gods , there's a problem. and if your standards are the same as his ( the god of the bible) then theres a problem. this bible is harmful to people. it is harming you if you can be alright with what it says god is. for some reason you cant except that you live in a real world that can suck and be hard and down right shitty at times but it doesnt give you the right to lie to yourself because it makes you happy. your exceptance of this religion is saying that it's ok to do the things that god has commanded , rape, murder, theft, against people who don't believe.. if you follow your religion then you are suppossed to kil me.. when people actually follow what it says.. people die. you can see it everywhere. and i'm not going to wait for the day that you try to kill me to tell you , you are crazy. if i'm hurting your feelings i dont care, and i won't apologize just like i wouldnt be sorry for scuffing you knee after ripping you off the ledge of the bridge. i wont let you lose your mind and not say anything. I Wont Do It! friendship lost or not..

Me:

Okay, really? God does not tell me to rape murder and steal from non-believers. These are in the 10 commandments which are part of the old covenant and from the beginning of time those things are not okay. And in the new covenant Jesus says that ALL of the laws boil down to one… and we are to LOVE EVERYONE. When you love everyone you don’t judge them or hurt them in any way shape or form. We are to love even our enemies. Jesus actually tells people that some of the old laws were put in place for that time period but with His arrival there is a new covenant put into place. So if someone does us wrong, yes, we are supposed to love them. Does this mean justice should not be served? No. We though, are not supposed to take that justice in our hands.
Let’s see, if you’re son does something wrong, do you let him continue to do wrong, or do you try to teach him the correct way to act? Do you punish him? Out of love you punish him for his misbehavior or what not because you do not want him to grow to be a rapist, thief, murderer, poor excuse for a man. So really, as a father would you not expect for God to punish his children? Besides that, I don’t live in a fear of being punished. There were laws in place and people broke them and always will. I did read that part of the bible you pointed out. And I will find out the wordage used in the Hebrews scriptures to see exactly what it said, but I read three different bible translations and they all said that if a man takes a virgin to be wed in town and she does not cry for help that they should be stoned. It doesn’t even state rape in that instance (in all three translations). And honestly, this is definitely a hard passage for me. But the part where it states rape is if the girl is in the country. And yeah, the guy gets stoned in that instance and the girl does not. Anyways, I did read it. I do not in any way shape or form condone rape. Virgin rape is completely despicable to me. I think it is funny that you chose something that you knew would get to me because of my circumstances. That was very intelligent of you.
And oh yeah, as for this not feeling guilty for what I’ve done wrong thing. Honestly, if I lived by the worlds standards, I wouldn’t feel guilty at all for being a slut. Yep I said it. I called myself a slut. And I wouldn’t feel guilty for drinking entirely too much way too often and making poor decisions. After all, it’s everywhere. SEX is everywhere. Divorces are everywhere. Screwed up kids from people having sex too often with too many people out of wedlock… they are everywhere. EVERYWHERE. This world says do what you want if it makes you happy. The world says only be nice to people who are nice to you. The world says repay good for good and bad for bad. The world says money will make you happy. Sex will make you happy. Alcohol will make you happy. The world says kids’ role models are girls that dress too sexy and promote themselves in such a manner and guys that are self centered self righteous jerks. The world says a persons self worth is entirely wrapped up in "self". How you look, how much money you have, what you own. The world says it’s okay to kill unborn children when you go out and have an affair or have sex and realize you don’t want a kid. (which even as a non-believer I did not agree with) So seriously, by the world’s standards, what have I to feel guilty about. Really, at this point in my life, nothing. Yeah, in the past I screwed up, even by the worlds standards. But the world does not care. So I don’t need to. So… basically, really, the world verses the bible? Where is the horror? What this world is teaching my kids, I so do not agree with. Even as a non believer I could see the things that this world is teaching my kids was not up to my standards. The horrors done to women or people in general in the name of "religion" are not believers in the same God I believe in, or they have made up their own ideas and are following things that are not of God. The reason why the world sucks and is downright shitty is because of "people." Because people don’t have morals and standards that are of a level worthy of anything. Do you know it is taught in my church that no one is "a good person."? You wanna know why, because everyone screws up. Everyone, even "Christians." Even pastors, deacons, elders, you name it. So I don’t think God makes me a good person. I think I will do my best to love everyone. And I won’t ever be perfect. The world sucks because no one wants to take responsibility for their actions and change. They just want to blame someone else and make excuses for it and keep on living like that. Yeah, the world sucks. And if I find happiness in a place and with beliefs where I use my time being helpful to others, caring for others, loving others, how is that bad? I find happiness in a God who has forgiven me for my mistakes when I haven’t. I find happiness with people who don’t say a cuss word every other word, who love on me, who treat me with respect. I find happiness in not going out drinking every weekend to the point of drunkenness. I find happiness in saying NO to all of the guys trying to get in my pants. I find happiness in knowing that this world, it’s not all there is.
I have told you before and will tell you again, there are and probably always will be some things that bother me that I find in the Bible. I would not be a human being if they didn’t. There are things I will question. You know that I analyze things and have a hard time believing what I cannot see for myself. However, I have seen things happening to people around me and myself that you would call coincidences that have gone far beyond coincidence. How many do you see happening before you believe that there is something more at work than "the universe working in harmony"? No one has been able to prove the bible wrong. There are so many prophecies that came to fruition in the bible that it is a mathematical impossibility for them all to happen. Some of them almost mathematical impossibilities by themselves. There are things said in the bible that Science at the time disagreed with, but a person wrote them based on God and it turns out 2000 to 3000 years later, the bible was right, not science. And these are things science now has to agree with. So you see, science has been proved wrong numerous times about things, continually, but the bible, hasn’t happened.
I am still learning, as I was before when we met. Only this time, my faith is stronger. I not only "feel" happier, but I don’t "feel" empty. I have faith in something. And faith is just that… faith. I have faith in something that is supernatural. And because of that some things are left "unexplainable." But really, you can’t explain it all even in your "rationality". I myself had a disbelief of God. We have talked about it. I’ve talked about it with a few people. I saw God the way you do. I still struggle with that. I still read things and question it because of my view of how I thought God was/is. Some of it may not make sense. Some of it is hard to grasp. But like I said before, I would much rather have faith in God and in the bible and live by standards far exceeding this world’s. Because in that, I find peace, joy and hope.. In it, I find love. In it, I find what I’ve been missing for most of my life. In Him, I find my place in this sucky world.

Conversation with Self

Conversation With Self
January 16, 2008

Why do You hurt Me?
Why do You allow Me to feel this pain?
Why do You allow him to talk to Me like that?
Why do You talk to Me like that?
Why do You always put Me down?
Why do You forget to love Me?
Why do You think I'm so bad?
Why do You yearn for attention no matter the kind?
Why do You think I'm ugly?
Why do You think I'm fat?
Why do You keep repeating the same pattern?
Why do You sell Me short constantly?
Why do You seem to always fail Me?
You are Me.
I am You.
A Change Is Needed.
Why can't You change Me?

I wrote this a year ago. It's amazing how much can change and yet how much remains the same. I do know, that in that year, ALOT has happened. And praise God, I know now, the "change" that was needed, was finding my way back to Jesus. Does that mean my life is now a bed of roses? No. Does it mean that I never feel any of that anymore? No. But it does mean I have a Savior, and I have hope and love, that I didn't have then.

Sometimes...

God can use the bad for good

It seems as if sometimes we beat ourselves up with guilt or whatever it may be, about bad choices/decisions. A few years ago, I decided to leave my husband. We mutually agree the marriage was bad. Now, there was no infidelity. And I know what the Bible says, but my life and many others have been changed for the better and completely blessed by that decision.

After I left he started seeking counsel and Calvary Chapel was recommended to him. He and his previous ex wife (and her beau) were all attending, as well as our children. I one day decided to find out what all the fuss was about. God does have a funny way of getting us places. One sitting through a teaching (while my ex was out of town) and I knew that was my church home. I was amazed. I had been to other churches and hadn’t been to one like this before. Changes immediately started happening.

But through it all there was something holding me back. I knew I had to get a divorce. I knew that my life wasn’t meant to be lived with the man I married before I found my way back to Christ. But many people tried to guide me in the direction of staying married. Myself, my ex, his ex, her boyfriend and all of our children got saved and baptized. There were wonderful things happening. It was fabulous, and yet, there was something holding me back. I just didn’t understand why a God who wanted to bless me and who was blessing all of us and everyone we each invited to church, would want me to go back to that situation. I know we were changing, but he was still him and I was still me.

So I eventually ran from God. I ran hard and fast. Lead on by guilt trips I had put on myself. Not understanding things. Being confused. And then analytically deciding it was all preposterous. And that God wasn’t real. During the time I had walked (ran) away, I definitely felt like my life was a mess. I went back on psychiatric meds. I drank a lot. I partied a lot. I basically was just living. And finding any sort of source of escape that I possibly could.

After about 5 or 6 months of running, my divorce was final. Of course celebrated by partying (along with my birthday). During that time, a few times I said "God, if you’re real I need you to show me." Shortly after that, someone I had dated became a reason in my head for me to attend service on Easter. I was pleasantly surprised to find out the softball season was starting. I loved playing softball and wanted to play. At the time, they changed the rules and requirements, and I had to make some quick changes so I could play. I started attending church every Sunday and Thursday again. At first reluctantly. But God grabbed ahold of me and wouldn’t let me go. He showed me over and over how He was real. He showed me His love and His mercy.

I have thought about this… over and over again. You know some people may say it was coincidence. I think it’s more than coincidence. He waited til my divorce was final to help me find my way back. He had the rules for being able to play softball changed for like 2 weeks, while I was wanting to sign up. He used a person who actually hasn’t even been going to church since then, to get me in church. After I started attending again I went back off the meds. So you see, God used the situation, for wonderful things.

I know some might still think after all of that, that I was wrong to still want a divorce after finding Christ again. But I say, it’s how my life is being used to glorify God. It’s what it took for ME to find Him and walk with Him. I don’t understand everything. I don’t know why, or how. I don’t have all of the answers, but in my heart and soul, I know, that God will use things that we see as bad for good. And sometimes, the answer isn’t always black and white. Sometimes God’s plan is outside of our human comprehension.

Life and Kids

I have had a lot going on lately with trying to buy a house, and serving alot at church. For those of you who don't know what serving at church is... I help out in the children's ministry watching kids and sorta trying to teach some of them...lol, and I also help out with cleaning, cooking, setting things up... basically, wherever help is needed. And I must say, there is so much joy in serving when you do it for the right reasons. I find great joy in the fellowship of others knowing that my service to God and others is helping lead others to Christ to find the joy that I have (and have recently tried to let slip through my fingers). (more blogging to come)

So buying a home.... First time for me. I had no idea what was involved in that. But God willing it will be over Monday and I'll be moving into my new home. Woohoo.

Now... the good stuff. My son is 13 (for those of you who don't know). He's a very handsome, tall boy. He's i think around 5'10" now. Which is scary. Since I'm 5'8". I have discovered that he likes to pick me up. And i mean literally pick me up. Now in most cases if a man tries to literally pick me up i have no trust that they will not drop me. However, with Austin, I don't really worry about it like I do with others. I have also discovered that he likes to talk to me. Sometimes, this is a pain when I'm on the phone or what not. But how blessed am I that my thirteen year old boy wants to talk to me about the girl drama at school or whatever is going on? I try to make sure that he knows I care about what's going on with him. I also tell him not to be messing with all these girls that have boyfriends and consider him their best friend and well... that's a whole nother story. Last night I tried to no avail to get him to leave the room so I could converse on the phone, but he really wanted to be in the room with me. I thought it to be quite annoying, but I love him so much and am so grateful that at 13 he's okay hanging out in my room on my bed with me. I won't go into details the conversation I had to have about dildos and douches. And yes, even as a Christian, I have to have these kinds of conversations with my kid. Some of you are like ... YIKES.. public schools. But look, he knows about stuff. But he also knows God's love for him and God's desire for him to wait til he's married. And the school has showed him some pictures of STDs so I'm pretty sure he's scared at this point. LOL. Anyhow, I just wanted to share how blessed I am to have this kind of relationship with my teenage son. There are times we totally don't get along... of course. But it's nights like those, that I feel totally blessed to be a single mom and have that kind of relationship where he knows he can talk to me.

Changing

So sometimes I write poetry (or my form of it) to express my feelings. Below, I have attached entered two poems... the first, describes where I was a year ago, and the second, was written a couple of months ago. Hope you enjoy and are encouraged.

COLD & EMPTY

Cold
Why can't I feel it?
Empty
Why can't I be it?

Why must I feel this pain?
Why must I feel this anger?
Why won't it go away?
I just don't want to feel
Anything, anymore

I just want to be cold and empty
So that I don't get hurt ever again
How do I make it happen?
The alcohol, takes it away
But it always comes back
The laughter, takes it away
But it always comes back
The love of the children, takes it away
But the hurt always comes back

Just make it go away.
For good
Make it stay away
Make my heart never hurt again
Make my mind not have a thought
Of why… again

Why am I not worthy enough
Not pretty enough
Not smart enough
Not young enough
Not strong enough
Why am I not enough?


Finding Everything

Walking aimlessly through life
In this world of loneliness
Seeking love and guidance
Searching for eternal bliss

Finding misery and hurt
Finding lies and deceit
Finding paths of emptiness
Everywhere I place my feet

Wondering why things are
Wanting things to change
Wishing things were easier
Trying to find my way

Until one majestic day
A message was shared with me
About a love that’s everlasting
And that elusive element of peace

A message of hope
That I’d been waiting for
Drifting through this life
Knowing there had to be more

The answer was always there
Only I was too blind to see
The answer was the King
Of the highest Majesty

The message was clear
Jesus gave his life
For me to live eternally
And leave behind the strife

The message was powerful
Filled with mercy and grace
About my savior’s dying
Dying to take my place

My Holy Father was waiting
He was calling me all along
Wanting me to find His love
Wanting me to see I belong

I am in His arms now
His peace and joy abound
He is my comfort and my solace
My Everything has been found

Tempted...yet again

1 Corinthians 10:13 (nlt)
But remember, the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can’t stand up against it. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out, so you will not give in to it.
Even though I have changed a lot in the last 6 months, and we just had this verse in SOD, it seems I’ve already forgotten. Satan has been sitting here throwing at me all of the temptations that used to cause me to fail at being obedient to God. In the past, my flesh would win the battle. As I sit here and struggle with these things YET AGAIN, I can’t help but think, am I paying attention.
Let’s review (if you care to). First, I must remember that the temptations are things we all face. Mine may come in a different form, but they’re no different than yours. Next, God is faithful. How often this statement is forgotten. When things get rough, we turn to God, but do we truly believe he will help? He is faithful, and He does come through.
Now these next points are extremely important when dealing temptation. For me, anyhow. He will keep the temptation from being too strong for me to resist. Well, this brings me to the point that God apparently knows I’m a lot stronger than I feel I am. I feel weak. I feel like I can’t do it. God is powerful. He gives us our power. I have that power within me. He has given us the power to stand up against it, and He won’t let it be more than we have power to resist. And He shows us a way out. I have found that normally, he gives us more than one way out. He opens doors all around to run the other way from the temptation. It then becomes our responsibility to either open the door of temptation and face the consequences, or open the door of righteousness. He has clearly stated that we have the ability to overcome the temptations through Him. So now I ask myself, what’s the problem then? He is faithful, and gives us the power to win against satan. I often forget the power I have within me through Christ. Even recently. I’m so glad that even in my failures He’s loving, full of grace and mercy. I’m glad for His instruction. He knew we’d all face this problem. He knows our weaknesses and how hard it is for us to overcome temptation in this fleshy world. So He left us this verse, so that we will know, we are His children and He takes care of us. Sometimes, we just need to pay attention.